Desperate Freelancer

Since I was a kid, I have always been curious about how things really work. I remember having been caught aged around 8 by my parents while I was dismantling the home phone and so many other stuffs they had to forbid me to touch anything built on some kind of mechanism. Which lead me to become a real jerk psychologically unable to manipulate any electronical device since I finally flew away the family nest.

Now I am an old man and I am still curious about what makes things operate. Technology is an infinite source of wonder and my brain can't stop questioning about how all these silly gadgets do work.

I was recently wondering how could Internet be working ? Yeah the big Internet itself. We use it everyday and we don't know what it's made of. How come I can send an email, visit a website, blog something, or watch a video on Youtube ?

I know all the blablabla about computers connected together, and IP address and some funky named protocols they use to communicate, but all this is by no means the real truth about how Internet works. It's just a technical explanation that explains nothing.

It's not about dwarfs or gremlins either.

It's about garbage, storage system and noise management.

To understand fully how Internet is working you should compare with a wide rubbish dump. Just imagine Internet like a huge huge dump. People stuff it and fill it with content they want to relieve their heads of. They stuff Internet with messages, videos, mails, texts, images, all kind of content that pollute their minds and they want to get rid of.

It's just like a big disposal for the brain.

And, on the other end, there are a lot of people, the very same guys, that need to get something back. So they start using Internet as massive population of hobos digging in it to find something that could be useful. Like in any dump, they spend lots of time digging for few real useful objects. The content they get out of this dump is merely strange, outdated, inappropriate, corrupted or idiotic.

All of the hobos hanging around the net feel quite unsatisfied with this system but

- they have no other source to retrieve stuffs to feed their brains with.

- it's free

In this wide garbage, every new disposal is shouted and announced, so people can get informed of what's incoming. Though, as there are so many disposal in a minute, you just can't hear nothing clearly. All you get is a big noise of information melt together, that doesn't make much sense.

Yes, you can destroy one part of the dump doing no harm to the rest. Yes, It can take many roots to go from one part to another. Yes some parts are jammed while others are almost free. Yes, everybody is speaking the same language so that anyone can understand what kind of disposal they have to deal with.

It's such a total anarchy of content and stuffs clustered together that everybody believe the dump is infinite.

Yes, that's the real good analogy to understand how Internet does work. People are swapping data all around with so little idea of what they are doing, you could compare with hobos throwing things away and digging others out.

E-mails, websites, Instant messengers, videos, and so on are just the shapes that this garbage can take.

So why is it working ? Everything rely on one single idea : everyone has content but nobody has an idea what to do with it. So they swap and swap until someone eventually find out.

That is the ground reason why Internet is working, all things considered.

To finish, you can watch this video. It's another funny theory about how Internet really works, you may enjoy also :

I am not keen on economics, politics and international stuff that usually depress me. But I had a quite a lot of fun by hearing the news that Bush administration is willing to sign a 700 billion dollars check to put the whole US financial system back on his feet.

This one of the paradox of United States Ultra-liberal system, which has though proved its efficiency in many other domains, to let things, when shit infiltrates into the machine, deteriorate till all the whole jumble turns into a hell of a mess and suddenly backfire to make an old good state intervention that would have normally attracted the wrath of all nation. A kind of "finish your games and go wash your hands, kids".

Unfortunately for the American tax payer who is going to pay the bill in the end.

Fortunately for the rest of the world population.

As USA let things get worse, we would have been in a serious trouble all over the globe.

How I do I know ?

Well, even a dumb old man like me can see that US economy is ruling the world. That all major countries are dependent of the America for their exportations or importations, and that if USA would have been plunged into a huge economical crisis, all these countries would have fallen each one on its turn like a domino cascade.

Nothing new under the sun.

But what is really fun is this non-event, is that Bush Administration is actually making the very same mistake the Us Banks had made in this so-called subprime crisis. They are lending money to people that will never be able to pay off.

Image : Harry Potter wants you to join him in helping raise $700 billion so the U.S. banks can remain open
Source : kevindooley
Rights : Creative Commons

How to get some fun in a boring meeting ? How to get rid of a blabbermouth client that give you a headache every time you meet him ?

These are questions anyone would love to be answered.

Since a few months, I have been testing practical techniques to have this happen. Here are the fruits of my research : 24 destabilization techniques to dreadfully piss off a meeting.

1. Ring ring ring
The old techniques are still the best. Have someone phone you just too often to be bearable. And pretend to be upset to delay the moment you will get a criticism.

2. Interrupt the speaker to say nothing
Just cut him in the middle of a phrase to gabble something definitely inaudible.

3. Refocus on the agenda
It's always a good time to remind people there was an agenda to this meeting.

4. Plunge under the table
Don't excuse yourself. Just act as if it was the only normal behavior to have at this precise moment.

5. Laugh loudly at an unexpected moment
If someone ask you why you laughed, just mumble something about a joke, you've just remembered.

6. Ask questions to someone not speaking
Stare at someone in the eyes and suddenly ask him/her a question totally irrelevant with the theme of the meeting. Though keep it professional.

7. Jump as if you'd been bitten by a bee
If people get worried, try to hunt the insect and sometimes hit their shoulders or other parts of their body.

8. Have someone ask you out every twenty minutes
Some partner can pop his head in the room to ask while smiling like a white bunny for an urgent intervention. Turn him down and wait until people get exhausted with your funny accomplice.

9. Lace your shoe on the meeting table
It simply rocks. You weren't going to bend anyway.

10. Ask suddenly people about the topic of the meeting
As if they were telling bullshits wide of the mark since the beginning.

11. Draw sexy stuffs on your notebook
With a languishing air if you can. Try to make it look like one of your colleagues.

12. Blow your nose every ten seconds
With the dirtiest handkerchief you could find.

13. Say funny words as soon as you can
Every time you speak, try to use complicated words nobody knows the meaning. Place the more you can in one sentence to get the jackpot.

14. Ask people names every time you speak
Before any intervention you make, ask someone's name. Especially if everyone have introduced themselves in the first part of the meeting. Insist on guys that seem bothered by your asking.

15. Imitate your neighbor
Copy gesture and tone. Try to get noticed by some other neighbor and deny if you get caught.

16. Every 15 minutes, announce the time left till the end of the meeting
It will stress everyone but you will be seen as a useful time keeper.

17. Play a patience game
Curse like the devil if you lose.

18. Try to gently grab the hand of your nearest colleague
Move your hand closer and closer until it touchs hers. Act if it was unintentional. And do it again.

19. Take a banana out of your suit's pocket and eat it
Take your time to do so. You are not in a hurry anyway during this boring meeting.

20. Investigate about the brand of each electronic device in the room
As if he would change the world's fate. If someone notices, go on a speech about the comparatives merits of Sony versus Apple

21. Comment the speaker's performance
And compare him with Steve Jobs. Who he is definitely not.

22. Practice your kungfu
Take a deep breath and start making martial exercises with your arms over the table

23. Furiously write down notes only when nobody is speaking
This one is pretty vicious. It will take some time before you get noticed but it will surely establish a kind of uneasiness in the room.

24. Lock the door
And hide the key. Then in the middle of meeting, pretend to go to the toilets and make people get you are all trapped in. Panic guaranteed in 5 minutes time.

Young people, you are not aggressive enough ! You get stressed by your managers to become champs in your discipline, whatever it could be : engineering, sales, accounting...

Yet, you do nothing concrete. You keep on doing a nice and neat job, you keep on being professionals.. as it could be sufficient. You cling to what you can do but you get no gold medal in my opinion.

I am sure, that if all young people like you could get a boost of adrenaline and start asking themselves how to make a real stride in their jobs, the whole world could get a lot better. Companies and countries would thrive, unemployment would lower, consumption and savings would rocket, pollution will decrease.. and so on. A better world indeed.

Old dudes like me have no more energy to do such things, but I am sure, that if, some of you, the bravest among the braves could roll up their sleeves and undertake some of the list below.. all mankind will benefit from the effort.

And moreover, you would at least get what you want : get the control of the office.

Push away the geezers that impede you in your career climbing, get rid of the old bags that block the path.

Here is what you can do in five days to become the guys in charge and improve the world in the same time :

DAY 1

Clean all the office, from floor to ceiling. Wash the soils, polish the furnitures, mop the windows.. a sanitized environment is always favorable to a clear mind. Being cleared off dust and mess, that elders had let settle, you could at last focus on what's really important.

DAY 2

Do the old bags's jobs as well as yours. The old goats are not quick enough to make the company flourish, they can't be reactive enough to grasp every opportunity and handle every problem at the speed it should be dealt with.

Take their work, do it nicely and quickly, and consider how better it is done.

DAY 3

Start taking all the strategic decisions. Let them think they still do, but take over the leadership on main projects.

To play things smoother and not let them understand what you are plotting, bring them some tea once in a while. Or better a good bourbon or a refreshing beer. At their age, they will get boozed quite easily and you would be at ease to get the control on everything.

DAY 4

Push your youngest sexiest female colleagues in the elders' arms. You will drive their attention away from your seizure of power. That will be one of your best moves. While the granddads are occupied with finding a viagra supply, you would be able to finish pushing them away.

DAY 5

Here you are. At the top of your company, taking all major decisions, doing the hard job to make it prosper, proud and fierce, like the real conqueror you always wanted to be.

While the old dumbs are losing their time, drinking and pawing chicks.

Isn't it a better world ?

Since I had became a complete fan of Apple products and communication, I have been wondering why this company was so much successful.

The only reason I could see is that mad Guy called Steve Jobs, who seems to rule the company when he is not occupied to make his famous Keynotes. He is simply the guy with the genius. The guy who had been called back (after having been fired years ago for some stupid shareholders' reason) while Apple was sinking, and who did transform the declining firm in a wonderfully profitable company again. With just a few ideas called i-tunes or i-phone or i-something, I don't remember well all that i-stuff he invented.

So what if, Steve Jobs, suddenly disappears ?

By chance, last week, Bloomberg website, published a post announcing Steve Jobs' death.

The result ?

The quote of Apple on the Stock exchange market immediately fell down.

Yet, it wasn't true. The great Steve wasn't dead yet. It was a mistake from Bloomberg.

It is not the first time that a famous media published a necrology prematurely. Of course, they did their apology and so on, and all the blogs (including myself) are now having a great fun about it.

But, what did we really learn from this ?

1. That journalists still don't know how to do their jobs.

Ok, they write and rewrite great obituaries of famous people in advance to be sure they will be ready on time. But they are still capable of hitting the "publish" button while working on an article. Can't they just set up workflows in their web back office ?

2. That traders still don't know either

They cling to fake news and rumors to decide to sell or buy. And when one seems to be willing to jump off the bridge, everybody runs to do the same. At last, we now understand why financial crisis happen.

3. It's going to be a hell of a mess when Jobs will really die

According to Bloomberg itself (I have a copy of the now disappeared article - it's a collector dudes !), Jobs has not designated any real successor till now. Candidates on the list are numerous such as Chief Operator Officer Tim Cook or Chief Financial Officer Peter Openheimer. And Jobs himself said "It's my job as the CEO to do my best to make sure everybody on the Executive team is a potential successor to me". In other terms, everbody could win the fight but Apple will lose for sure.

So how will Apple turn out to be if the genius inside the box passes out ?