Desperate Freelancer

Running an international blog, I have readers from all over the world. And I sometimes feel, like today, the urge to tell them some about my country. It's not because I am proud of it. I am not. This is the land of the fool, and I am a fool myself.

But I believe they could understand my writings and points of view better if they knew more about France, the country that gave me birth, raised my mind in that sarcastic mood, and will certainly bury me (with the help of Public expenses needless to say).

So here is 20 things you should know about France.

I don't know it these insights will be very useful to you. But it may if
- you plan a trip to discover our wonderful landscapes and obnoxious people
- you are transfered to the french business unit of your company, as punishement for your miserable results
- you have to held a conversation about world diplomacy during a dinner with urbane people.

1. The capital of France is Paris, and Paris is the capital of France.

Just a good thing to know if you are playing for money on a tv-game.

2. France is a developed country.

Even if we eat moisture called cheese and we do have a decent public transport system... sorry, we don't belong to the third world (yet).

It's good to mention while some US friends coming to my country ask me if we have micro-wave ovens here.

3. French people are not gifted for languages and most people in France don't speak english at all.

BUT we are very proud of it.

4. We are lazy, stubborn, arrogant and pretentious

and theses are great qualities all the world envy us.

5. French are the most romantic people in the world

That's why we sell billions and billions postcards to american tourist dummies.

6. We don't wear berets anymore. But we still buy "baguettes".

Don't believe all what you see in Hollywood's movies.

7. France has the best traders and the most comprehensive banks in the world

Recently, we crushed the record of Nick Leeson who sunk the Barings in the 90'S, with a 4,9 billions loss. That will be hard to beat.

8. We are the champions of civility and good manners

That's why we feel we have the right to tell foreigners how to behave. Especially in their own countries.

That explains partially our good reputation worldwide.

9. We are the only country in the world able to be in the same time ultra-liberal and against globalisation

It is as inexplicable to you as it is to me. Just note down the fact and forget about explanations.

10. France produces the only drinkable wine.

All what is made in other places like California, South africa, Spain and even Italy is just rat's piss.

But France also produces rat's piss.

For export purposes.

11. There is always a strike somewhere.

As there is always a good reason to go on strike. The main I know is "reluctance to work today".

12. France has one of the highest productivity the world.

There must be a correlation with point 11 but, not being an economist, I can't figure it out.

13. We have a great tradition of being a nation of intellectuals

But all our great minds have vanished in the 70's without having managed to breed valuable heirs. I guess it has something to do with the hardening of our immigration policy.

14. We invented Luxury

Champagne, perfumes, "haute couture", jewellery are born in France.

We had to find something that can bring lots of money without doing much.

15. French kissing is our true national sport

That's why we generally lose soccer world championships.

16. The world revolves around France.

You have to come here to see how true it is.

17. There is truly a french cultural exception.

But nodoby's here understand exactly what it is about. Something about boring pretentious intellectual movies noone sees but which get a lot of subsidies.

We all watch US movies but pretend not to, because we are too proud of ourselves.

18. French women are the most beautiful in the world

Except for french men abroad, who consider accurately that everything is relative when you lay down in a confortable bed.

19. We are not good at maths.

Though, we provide throughout the ages great contributions to mathematics with guys like Blaise Pascal or Poincarré ou De Broglie.. we don't feel concerned by accurate results.

See also point 4.

The blog Office Snapshots shows us the inside of lots of famous high-tech companies. You can find there pictures of digg, Microsoft, Ebay, Facebook, Flickr, Skype, Mozilla and so on. Say the name of an internet company and you will surely have some photo gallery of their office.

Well, I just found that snapshots accumulation pretty.. uninteresting.

What do we have to care with all theses offices ? Apart some places who have been fantastically decorated, there are just mainly offices. Some have pingpong tables, others have poufes, and others have self-service kitchen. Some have nice meeting rooms while others have shitty ones. But there are just offices.

Does the CEO have wheels on his chair ? Does the IT manager have his own printer or does he have to pick up his documents in the corridor ? Does the reception's girl have a plant nearby or is there enough vegetative stuff with her ?

It's boring. We don't give a damn about it.

I wonder why they hadn't shown us what is really interesting in others' offices :

1. Do they have a bar somewhere ?

Companies that hide a bar somewhere, providing refreshing drinks and hard booze to employes are generally great places to work in. That's a great asset to recruit people rather than sofas or ping pong tables ? Come on, be realistic, do you really join a company because they let you play ping pong when you are done with all the work they fill you with ?

2. What can you see from the windows ?

Because you are not going to watch your computer's screen all day long, it's better to look at great landscapes rather than a dirty, stinky back-alley where grannies get murdered.

3. How gorgeous are the chicks there ?

It's great to work in IT business when you are passionate with it. It's better if you not only work with best engineers or computer guys but with short-dressed maidens that spend their time languishing around your desk to get some of your knowledge in mobile phone applicative researches.

4. Is the carpet clean ?

Because if you have to suddenly fall asleep - as it nowadays happens more and more commonly to normal hardworking employees (not only old crabs like me) - you'd better know if you should get off your new jacket quicly before.

That's what those galleries should so us. The rest is pure matter of ego from the company managers.

I recently found an article about the top 20 people under 30 who became millionnaires thanks to internet.

I copy and paste the list from this blog below, before giving you a few considerations about it.

Here are the lucky ones :

1. Mark Zuckerberg Facebook 23 years old | $700M
2. Andrew Gower Runescape 28 years old | $650M
3. Blake Ross and David Hyatt Mozilla 22 years old | $120M
4. Chad Hurley Youtube 30 years old | $85M
5. Angelo Sotira Deviant ART 26 years old | $75M
6. John Vechey PopCap Games 28 years old | $60M
7. Alexander Levin WordPress 23 years old | $57M
8. Jake Nickell Threadless 28 years old | $50M
9. Sean Belnick Biz Chair 20 years old | $42M
10. Kevin Rose Digg 30 years old | $31M
11. Ryan Block Engadget 25 years old | $20M
12. Aodhan Cullen Stat Counter 24 years old | $18M
13. Tom Fulp Newgrounds 29 years old | $15M
14. Rishi Kacker and Matt Pauker Voltage 24 years old | $12M
15. Markus Frind Plenty of Fish 29 years old | $10M
16. Catherine and David Cook My Year Book 17 & 19 years old | $10M
17. Fredrik Neij The Pirate Bay 28 years old | $10M
18. David Hauser & Siamak Taghaddos GotvMail 24 years old | $8M
19. Jermaine Griggs Hear and Play 23 years old | $5M
20. Jay Westerdal Domain Tools 29 years old | $5M

It's simply amazing. I am sure this list will be soon going round and round blogs.

How can you own decently 700 millions dollars when you are 23 ? Or even 42 when you are 20 ?

It's not because I feel jealous, being myself pennyless at 62.. but... how can I express it... is this society crazy ? Or am I just an old-fashioned idiot ? How kids, who have just left school for most, can obtain and have the use of so much money ? It's a lot of cash to buy candies, videogames and sneakers ? How can we let them do that, and even promote this situation ? It's insane. They may have built sucessful ideas on the internet but they don't even know what life is about..

So much money, just because they build a website ? And most of these services I don't even know about it...There is something I just can't understand.

I am truly sympathising for all these big children. They will never know about hard times, nor about trying to make one's way, nor having pain to overcome difficulties and finally make it after years and years of hard work and willpower. They will never have the feeling how having really built something through years. Yes, they built a company, a website, and so on... But this quick success has no much value in the measure of a man's life.

Their life, how wealthy may it be, is ruined.

How could they learn something now ? How can they really desire something now ? How could they approach a woman without thinking she has ulterior motives ? How can they just spent their life doing something not boring ?

What can they prove to themselves and to others now ? That they could make another million ? The big deal !

Ruined, ruined.. they are doomed. What a pity !

So I just sent them a letter. To the 20 people of the list. I really want to help them. In this mail, I tell them about the meaning of existence.. how money can ruin it all and lead them to an empty and desperate life. My last advice for them is to get rid of their dollars as soon as they can. And I propose them to donate all their fortune, to an old man who has not much to expect from life anymore.

I will let you know about the "conversion rate".

Happy new year to everyone who passes here (including Google's bot). I don't know much who you are, my readers, since you are keeping yourself quite silent in the comments these times, whereas you seem more and more numerous to visit the blog. But I wish you all the best for 2008. Sincerely.

May the lords of the internet be with you. May the great cucumber take care of you. May the eternal foutain of wine appear in your house. May your wife turn into Angelina Jolie or your husband into Brad Pitt. May your kids get at last clever. And may you share a little bit of your dog's wisdom for once.

As many people and according to the tradition, every new year, I write down resolutions to change things in my life, kick my bad habits and improve my personnality.

As usual, I have a hell of a job. It's quite an impossible mission to turn myself into a human being mankind can be proud of. Especially if I am the one who should do the job.

But who care's ? I am not going to keep these resolutions anyway. We all know it.

So, I feel glad, as every year, to decide.. anything. That's pure freedom. Here are my resolutions :

1. Don't lose anymore weight.

While at least a third of the population of industrialized countries is suffering from overweight or obesity, I am dissolving myself into passing years.

I tried the best to gain a bit of fat, but it's helpless. I am drying out, due to my desperate freelancer's meaningless life.

2. Stop complaining about everything.

This one, I will never make it for sure. But it's good to have a laugh sometimes.

I guess I could stop complaining one day if one of these 2 conditions arises :
a - the world becomes perfect
b - I die.

Guess what's going to happen first...

3. Improve my relationship with the collegues I share my rented office with

Stop doing them crappy jokes or pretend to have heart attacks to make them panic.

4. Learn something valuable this year.

This is a resolution I made last year too. With no great success. Last year, I learned that dolphins were no fishes.

5. Stop drinking bad wine

And focus on "Grand crus". If I want to get myself pissed, why losing time with shitty products ?

6. Avoid any contact with brillant people

They just get me depressed. I'd rather hang out with average losers. They are more refreshing.

7. Stop spending 4 hours a day on the internet.

Instead spend 6.

I haven't yet found any better way to lose one's time. Internet outclass TV and chicks by far. Working ranks good yet. But internet is definitely the best deal in my opinion.

8. Get involved into something good or helpful for the others

Like ...

Forget this one.

I sent 10 dollars to Greenpeace last year, it's enough. Especially if I consider what they have done with it.

9. Stop asking people to explain me how things works

As an old man, I have lots of difficulties to cope with technology and any new device seems like an inextricable Rubik's cube.

I should be able to read the user's guide or at least have them read it for me.

10. Don't vomit all my diner on the new year's eve

The resolution is a 10 years undefeated champion. Maybe one day, I will at least manage to avoid a member of my family while spitting up.