Desperate Freelancer

I don't believe consultants popped up out of nowhere in the end of the 19th century as Wikipedia pretends. I'd rather think that consultants have a much much older history. It's not the sudden idea of a man in the dark of his academic mind. Consulting business is the result of a long process of human evolution throughout the ages.

In my opinion, it all started with Socrates.

Yeah. He is really the guy you could be thankful for your overpaid jobs.

Let's examine what makes Socrates surely the first consultant in history :

1. His aim was to help people to do better what they did.

2. He spendt his time asking questions. Tons of.

3. He kept pretending he had answers of them all. (but noone ever proved he had for sure)

4. Though, he let always his "client" answer and put two and two together. So that, he would never be caught saying any bullshit.

5. He was too lazy to write anything. Though, he had a junior Clerk, named Plato who was dealing with the meeting reports.

6. He had a complex method branded with an absurd name : "the dialectic"

7. He knew a lot of complicated words most in foreign language, he kept using to look clever than he was, to confuse people, and to make them feel under his domination.

8. He was a great manipulative person, knowing perfectly how to lead a question to the next question, and an interview to a new "mission".

9. He had a lot of ennemies claiming he was just a phoney guy with funny ideas. He was killed by those, as in these times they hadn't invented the press yet.

10. His junior Clerk took his method, founded a new firm, wrote books, betrayed all the thinkings and made billions with it.

So.. convinced ?

The only difference between Socrates and a real consultant is that he wouldn't not charge any money for his service. I guess, he just hadn't had the idea, and noone would have suggest it to him, ashe was the only consultant of these times indeed.

Here is a short nursery rhyme I had fun to write. You will guess easily where my inspiration came from.

Ten little consultants went out to dine
One paid the bill, got bankruptcy and then there were nine

Nine little consultants worked very late
One felt asleep on his laptop, got fired, and then there were eight

Eight little consultants went in mission in Devon
One forgot his GPS, got lost and then there were seven

Seven little consultants in a night-club flirted with chicks
One chanced upon a queen, got bugged and then there were six

Six little consultants made their company thrive
One asked for a raise, got laid off, and then there were five

Five little consultants sued a client in law
One lost his trial, got fleeced, and then there were four

Four little consultants booked holidays to the sea
One didn't cancel, got tanned, and then there were three

Three little consultants made a review
One told the truth, got laughed at, and then there were two

Two little consultants wanted to have fun
One jumped from the roof, got his rubber cut, and then there was one

One little consultant was working hard alone
He became Partner, got a new desk and then there were none

Once in my life, I wish I could reach the home page of Digg.

It may be an impossible dream for a loser like me, but It's the only thing I could hang up to.

I am 62 now. I have passed through life leaving no footprint at all. I am broken since my governement decided I didn't deserve my retirement pension. I was married but we both get bored of each other. I have a daughter who filters my phonecalls and switches off the light when I ring her bell.

Of my life, I have done nothing remarkable. I have worked for different employers, doing severaj jobs, but nothing much as the common guy would do. I did not hold any record, nor had visited extraordinary places or met special people. I hadn't neither wrote a best-seller, or launched a start-up I will sell for millions in a few years. Well, once I gave my blood but I fainted at the first cc, so I gave up helping people.

In few months, I became the worst geek that the world ever seen. Being totally fond of technology and internet stuffs. Spending hours on the web for nothing. Watching on Youtube till 3 in the morning silly videos of people getting injuried in so stupid ways you would pay them to reload their IQ somewhere. Googling the sooner as I can every new people I met. Creating fake profiles of my dead buddies to at last have some friends on facebook.

And one day, I discovered Digg. The mythic and incredible Digg. I instantaneously knew it was the spot for me. The place I could do something great. The place I could have my quarter hour of fame.

I now have a new goal : reach the front page of Digg.

I know it's vain and ludicrous, but it's the aim of my life now. Of what its remains at least.

I would knee with joy and gratitude in front of anyone who diggs one of my post or votes for me. Had I have money, I would even pay you. I would lick your shoes or wipe your dog's if necessary but please make me do it.

(agreed that I would never do such crap until you made me reach my goal, and agreed that you would recognize I am too famous to lower myself to such practices once I succeeded).

Though, I ask for anyone's pity : help me do it and you would make an old chap, the happiest man in the world.

Let's continue our tour of the unkown side of common professions. Remember, we started it here with the marketing profession.

Now, I am sure you would like to discover the real face of the engineer. Ok, let's go.

The engineer is the guy who draws plans so complex and sophisticated that he is the only one who can decipher them. That's the way he can have something to do in the daylight and ask for an high salary. So the more plans he draws, the better he feels.

The engineer is the guy who knows how things works... in theory. Because, when it comes to practice, he is as lost as everyone. Noone can understand the real fabric of life or make things bend to his will. Economics, business, products, mecanics... in fact nothing really obeys to the human will when it comes to practice. There is always something which goes wrong. For engineers as well as for anybody. I have a long experience of things going wrong, so please believe me, things goes the way THEY want, whatever you may wish, try or pray for. Trying to drive them the way you want is a pure waste of time.

Though, the engineer had been studying a bunch of years in high schools which had taught him that he was the one who could succeed where all others had failed. And those schools had taught big companies all around the world that engineers could do so. So the engineer guy has been hired to make things works. Disregarding the fact, he can't.

So, his job is to convince everyone he isn't lost at all when production schedules turn into complete disaster or when the wonderful electronical new device is doing the contrary of what it should be doing. He has to make people believe that every shit that happens and doesn't fit his plan is just an fortuituous and silly incident. Something caused by the Murphy's law or any other law he could imagine in the moment to justify that he hasn't the control on life...

Something that should be solved by another complex and sophisticated plan.

But the real reason engineers like to make plans is not money or show off with their prestigious job. Nope, engineers are seldom greedy or in search for acknowledgement. The truth is that they love plans because don't like people. They want to avoid the most they can relationships with others human beings. That's why plans look so appealing to them. You can't rely on plans no more than you can rely on people. But plans don't piss you off with their family matters.

That's why engineers don't answer phonecalls or e-mails. That's why they leave the office party at nine. That's why they try so much to look like weirdos by spending all their money in stupid technological gagdets. That's why they choose their clothes to be as repulsive for the human eye as they can. They fear people like hair fear louses. That's why when they are compelled to speak they try to confuse you with an inextricable and boring mumbo jumbo of their own. That's why they find refuge in plans.

I know it's a bit harsh to summarize the engineer's job to just making plans, but I guess it's another trick of the engineers to get avoided by people. What they really do during their days in office is a something so secret no one could guess.