Desperate Freelancer

What makes a good consultant ? What are the keys of the job ? How can you make it in this profession ?

Here is a small thinking I did, observing all this world of consulting wriggling around me.

In my opinion, there are 7 golden rules to become a good consultant. Respect them and the world of consulting will bloom in front of you as a path of jasmine flowers and big green bundles.

1. Never listen to your clients needs

Honestly, if your client knew what he wanted, why would he have to hire consultants ? You have to take for granted that your client is an old codger who has no longer his head on his shoulder. He keeps complaining about the same old business problems for years, especially concerning consumer satisfaction and innovation. You have to play smooth with him, in "yes grandpa" attitude he would be fond of.

Then, just do your job without caring what he can chat you up. Anyway, after 25 powerpoint presentations, he would have forgotten what is your name and why you are here. A good consultant pay attention to maintain an high dosage of this kind of business' alzheimer.

2. Bill first, work afterwards

And if possible, don't work at all. Let outsourced providers make the job for you. This will lead you to hold such introduction speeches in the first meeting with your client : "As you can see, Sir, our firm has specialized in project management, which guarantee you a unconditionnal independency of mind in our recommendations. We don't feel compelled to sell you any product or service our firm would have because we don't have any !"

Anyways, bill, invoice and charge always and ever. Without justification. The accounting departement rarely communicate with the management. There is your logotype on the invoice, that's enough for them to be convinced they should pay. If some slobs try to know what all these bills are for, please do invoice the time passed in dealing with all this pussyfooting.

3. Powerpoint for everything

Powerpoint is consultant's best friend. If the client ask you something, answer by powerpoint.

Should you work 30 days on a fantastic audit, make a powerpoint of it. You client wants explicit figures, show some powerpoint ! The most wheezy and heavy you can. You have to get on his wick.

Why ?

Firstly, because your client understand nothing. So you can spoil the amazonian forest in booklets printing your presentation, and in the end, with all this paper, the guy has the feeling he has a good value for his money.

Secondly, because there is no such thing to get people confused than all these little effects you can make in the diaporama mode of powerpoint. And it takes so much time to work out (see rule number 2)

4. Don't pay attention to the client's market. Nor to his company.

The neverending audits with neverending interviews of company's workforce and all the market studies and analyses are just here for to make junior consultants feel buzy (and to bill the client of course). The good solutions are the same in every industry : throw away 30% of the payroll, make the remaining guys work 30% more to compensate, relocate the business to Botswana and buy outdated raw materials to manufacture the company's products.

This is for costkilling.

The money saved goes in the advertising budget, to your cousin Samuel who runs an ad adgency and pay you back 15% as a middleman.

This is for killing the competition.

5. Tell important stuffs only orally

There should never stay any hint of your blunders. The innumerable powerpoints you made (see rule number 3) must only contain bullshit.

You never know. If the client suddenly wakes up, nobody should be able to prove anything. Worse, the company could be bought and an unfriendly consultancy firm can pop up to merge the two businesses. You don't want them to dig in your dirty folders, do you ?

The real ideas must be told by word of mouth, in the corridors or in the toilets. You insinuate things during meetings. You imply real decisions to be taken during lunch time between chit-chat about the world cup of domino and gossips about your neighbour's underwear.

6. Never leaver the place without having sold the next mission

Even if you should set up a bogus consultancy firm that will come to fix the mistakes made by yours. Exactly like in the dope business, the client hates you but he doesn't want you to leave.

So stay a while in the place, mooch around, finalize slowly your report, there will always be someone to pluck your sleeve and make another critical problem appear.

Have in mind you are here for long, and you will be part of the place before you manage to find the loo by yourself.

7. Always have golden rules within reach

It impress the client. It impress juniors. Everyone feel clever and you can leave by the back stairs while the whole house is burning.

Life is fun. It was my birthday a few days ago. And, being 62 now, I am glad to see that I could still find some enjoyement in life.

Having so much troubles with my memory and recollection capacities, I decided to set up an account at Google Calendar. To manage things to say and things to be done.

The first thing I put in was my own birthdate (I wrote the precise date on a piece of paper years ago, just to be sure I could always have the information somewhere even though my brain was not able to recollect it.. though it took me half and hour to remember where on earth I did hide this stupid paper).

And that's the moment when I realised that Google and I, had the same birthday. For a newbie on the web, I felt like touched by destiny. I had something in common with one of the major website (in only THE major website) of the world wide stuff.

Ok, the boy is only ten years old while I am already an old lad. Ok, he knows billions of sites while I am trying to figure out what is Internet exactly made for. Ok, he makes tons of cash in selling words, while I have no retirement pension.

Whatever. I could have some of his magic in me. I could be blessed by the god of millions of internet users. Or it's just a goddamn stupid coincidence. But I just can't believe that. There must be something.

We are kinda linked together and I gonna find out how.

This is one of my objectives for the year to come. I had to write it in my Google Calendar... when I had regained my password.

Anyway : happy birthday Google !

Well. I am talking about money for a change, so I guess that this blog will soon be overcrowded by tons and tons of people suddendly interested in what an old man like me could be saying. Most of these guys will be spammers looking for good opportunities to place a link or 357 keywords. Other will be reading monkeys from the search engine industry (I don't believe robots can classify all the web, it should be some kind of apes..). Whatever...

But don't be afraid, I am just going to tell you a few things that you already know. Or should. No big deal. Just ordinary freelance tricks.

Yes, if you want to earn more as a freelancer, you can simple work more. Find new projets/clients and fullfill your working days at best. But you can also increase your payrate without killing your nights. Here are a few things I did experiment in some ancient life and that are doing pretty well.

I call these tricks the seven dwarfs. Because, they are small, you don't pay much attention to them (especially when you feel like a charming prince like all clients do)... but they are terribly efficient.

1. Change your fee system

As a good freelancer, your fee system is normally barely comprehensible for any client. So you just have to swap for something more abstruse (and more favourable) and nobody will complain. Because they don't want to spend hours to decipher the madness of your billings.

2. Change market

According to who is paying you, your income could vary from 1 to 10. You do webdesign for your butcher ? Well, you know he is not going to pay the same amount of cash that a fast food chain could offer you for the very same job.

What is true for the client is true for the market. Banking companies will pay more than steel industry.

Have a look to the top 500 of most profitables companies to discover which are the most profitable industries you should target.

3. Kill competition

If you are the only one who could do what you do, it's easy to increase your price whenever you want. To get to this position, phone you competitors in the middle of night with a piece of cloth on the speakerphone or send them so much junkmail they could not pick over the contracts they received.

4. Be relunctant to work in the first place

If you tell your client that you don't want to work with him, because you have too much demand or you don't feel much interested in the job, he will be prone to raise your fees. Just because he can't stand a refusal.

5. Introduce additionnal costs

This is really baaaad.

You should do it exclusively for a one-shot client.. or for someone's who's suffering from amnesia.

6. Claim your value

Show your clients what your work is really worth. For example, by sending them every year a picture of you dining with someone famous (30 minutes on photoshop and a good celebrity magazine).

7. Blackmail

While doing your freelance job, you must have found out something dirty in the client's records. Use it to boost your invoice.

If not, just sequester someone useful.

I know you have been sneezing on the beach all day long. I know some of you had been reading a comic book or two (and that's all for "intellectual effort"). I know it's too late because your holidays are over. I know I should have told you about that BEFORE you left for your summer time residence. But YOU know that had I told you this before, you wouldn't have follow none of all these brillant advices. Would you ?

And now, being back to work, I am sure you will remember them for the next time you dare leave your office for a break.

1. You should have phone your boss at least once

Asking him a question or giving a point of view on a situation you were pretending to care for even during your holidays. He would have curse you for disturbing him during HIS holidays, but you would have gain some respect somewhere.

2. You should have sent a few mails to all your team

They would have been mails stuffed with worthless and displeasing comments on other's jobs, but they would have been mails telling people that they can't get rid of you so easily.

3. You should have read some expert's book about a trendy management subject

Just to give everyone a pain with it when you returned.

4. You should have prepared your strategy to get a raise this year

Oh yeah. Just because your boss did prepare his to avoid giving you one.

5. You should have sent a nice postcard adressed to all your office colleagues

Just to let them doubt that your are not the asshole they think you are.

6. You should have chatted with girls/boys on the beach

To improve your talent in the commercial field of course

7. You should have sent a trojan to your office from an Internet Cafe

Just in case you could get admin rights on the RH system.. and change a few points in the payroll.

8. You should have spied this conversation between these two nabobs from the Emirates sitting next to you in the seafood restaurant

Because such strategic information about the indian art of massage would have made you the "guy who knows" back in office.

9. You should have drew a list of things you must really do to gain consideration in your service

Starting with : "changing the coffee machine"

10. You should have planned your next holidays

To avoid to buy them at the very last moment, like the awful ones you have just spent.