Desperate Freelancer

Keeping your job in big companies is not a matter of skill or efficiency. It depends on how useful you may become.

One thing you have to understand is that you don't get indispensable if you don't create problems.

People who find solutions, people who are always an answer may be very much appreciated in the first run. But they dig their own grave. What happen when they have solven all the problems that exist in the business ? There are not useful anymore. The management team could think of getting rid of them. And they will.

Yes, you can argue that there will never be an end to uprising problems in a standard organisation. You are surely right, but I believe it's only because there is some people that do find these problems. Weren't they found out by steady to work people, the solution providers will be quickly out of job.

Finding problems is the only occupation which can lead you to lifetime employement.

Not only you justify the job of a lot of people, but you create events that makes people want to go forth. You are a barreer against boredom, lazy habits and repetition. You may give pertinence to entire departments of your society. You are the reason why new protocols are created. You let very big documents be produced by heavy teams of consultants and project managers.

Your management will never appreciate the real value of your work, but it will know you are in some kind connected to this fantastic source of progress that rushes into the company since a few years.

Whereas finding solutions will lead you to good job evaluations, raises, promotions and so on, and finally to access to an occupation you won't be competent for (according to the Peter's Principle) . Then you will soon be spotted as nocive for the business and thrown out.

Here is the 3 main sources of problems in a company. Happily, they are really endless.

1. Organisation

The last time I've seen an organisation that was working prefectly, was... Errrr.. I don't remember. It' s surely because of I am aging to fast.

But since people decided to team together, there is no evidence it has worked ever.

Must the project manager do the business development job or should it be separated ? Does the team leader should also be the hierachical manager of each member or not ? How many people should contain a standard team ? And a department ? Is there too many meetings or not enough ? Does the technical team refers to the production or to the project team ?

2. Business efficency and sales strategy

Shareholders are always longing for better results. If something can be improved to boost the benefits, it has something to do with strategy and sales.

Sometimes it's your positionning that's is wrong. Sometimes, your prices are not adapted to the market. Sometimes your sales force is not offensive enough and should be remotivated. Sometimes your communication policy is outdated. Sometimes you don't have the good partnership strategy.

There is so many way you company can be doing bad, that you will surely find something in the minute if you urge to justify your job.

3. Products

Products are always perfectible. In the standard product they are so many bugs and misfunctions that you can write down a bugs report that is twice the size of the user's guide.

Last time, I've seen a product that was working well.. hum.. damn. My memory failed again. Maybe the wheel was not too bad.

In fact, almost anything can be criticised. Even the way to discover problems. So please enjoy your new job. You can roll up your sleeves, you will never see the end of it. Until you retire (If you manage to).

There are many good reasons you should go into the consultancy business. But in my opinion there is only one for which you should really take the plunge.

Yes. Being a consultant has more advantages than being a standard worker. And even more than being a goldfish. Even though goldfishes have never testify of the advantages of their status. For those who don't catch the interest of a comparison between consultants and golfishes, please pay attention to the numerous similitudes between these two highly valuable occupations : they live most of their life in a bowl, they keep staring at things as if it what the first time they see it and when they happen to open their mouth, only air gets out from it.

Whatever. Let's go back to our main subject :

First, being a consultant you can get much more money than the average. As you slaughter your clients with repetitive and unreasonable fees, you can proudly assume coming to meetings in expensive Armani suits, or to avoid meetings while you are too much occupied being on the pull with your new porsche. Truly some consultants don't make as much as that, but it's surely because they have an old secretary that sometimes forgets to send bills.

Secondly, you could officially be a snooty painful asshole. There is really nothing wrong with it. You are paid for that. Consultant is a really something of a job. You can show off in night clubs, you can date fantastic girls while dropping you business card, you can mock everyone in sunday familly diners (especially Brian your idiotic brother-in-law). You are The Guy. Ok, sometimes one of these traders from Wall Street tries to compete, but he looks really too much 80's-fashioned to be convincing.

This job is also a very interesting one. While most people will do the very same thing all their life, your job changes almost everyday. You juggle with clients, problems, markets, analysis, solutions, colleagues, bosses, Powerpoints slide or Excel sheets.. That's thrilling. Moreover, you are compelled to learn. It's really like still being a student in fact. Unless you can't break into the girl's dorm.

You can find plenty of other good reasons :

• Consultants who quit often get hired as directors or CEO in their second business life
  
• There is no dumbass in a consulting firm
  
• There is always somebody in the office to have a chat with
  
• Nobody understand when you talk, so you look so smart
  
• Your boss is too busy to watch closely what you are really doing
  
• Toilets are always clean

Well. There are so many of them I could spend my night listing them. And I am sure you have some of your own.

But my point is : among all the reasons, there is only one which is worth all the overtimes, the hard work and the fat food with coarse clients.

Listen up people : when you are a consultant, you don't really work. You just tell others what to do or how to do it. But you never do the dirty job yourself. That's is the main advantage for me. You just have to talk, give or write advices. Think about the problem but not deal with it. Isn't it a perfect job ?

Now if you are interested in becoming a consultant, it's quite easy. Just think about what you do as a job. Pretend to be an expert at it and start tell people how they can improve in this specific field. If you have enough cheek, you will make it.

I don't know if you've read this book but I am currently reading it and it's pretty good actually. It's called the No Asshole Rule, and Robert Sutton, a guy with a brain, wrote it.

Bob just put out something everyone of us knows. Offices and all business places are full of assholes. But he goes further, saying how to recognize certified ones, explaining how much they cost to companies, telling you how to get rid of them or make do with them.. and so on. It's the perfect guide to read if you have identified a specimen in the next cubicle.

You can find the full pitch on Amazon and many other blogs such has this one, this one or this one

Your pal Google will lead you as well to many press releases on the subject.

As you can see, I am saving you the reading of the very bad review I would make about this excellent book If I dared write something. I am not good about writing positive things. Trying to think over how I should praise this work saying something you don't already know is such a pain to me. Neither you nor me need a headache, right ?

But the thing is I do have something to say about this book : it doesn't apply if you are a freelancer working on your own.

Well it does apply if you a stupid clients that drives you to hell. But we've seen they all are built in the same mold. You can't complain about clients being assholes, it's damn too easy.

If you are a freelancer, you don't have colleagues nor boss. So how can you be confronted with assholes ? You can't.

Unless you are your own asshole.

As a freelancer, you can treat yourself like a piece of shit if you want. I sometimes do. You can unfairly blame yourself for the poor work you did. You can intimidate yourself to make the job quicker. You can ignore yourself as a human being. You can push yourself to work too much when there is no need to. You can even send you flamming emails to make you remember things you've got to do.

Yes, there is a lot of ways to disrespect yourself. You know what I am talking about.

So, if you want to apply the no asshole rule as a freelancer, you should fired the asshole in you. The one who yells at you while you just want to play videogames.

How can you get rid of him ? I will tell you when I find the proper way. For the moment, I have to suffer his fury for having let you known his existence.

What about you ? What did the asshole in you did to you ?

Honestly, there is only one way to pass any job interview. I mean ANY job interview.

Whatever may the job be, be it reachable for you or not. Whoever may the recruiter be, hard boiled HR guy or perveted psycho from the top management team. Whatever the time of the year, the weather, the temper of the stock exchange market and the odds according to the old mexican bogus shaman you met on your holidays in Cancoon, you can get the job.

You just have to keep a hand in your pocket all the way long.

Yes, that's all.

I get through many interviews with that simple technique. And in the end of my peculiar career, I only get hired for this only reason.

Now you should ask yourselves : how can this weird behavior, which can be considered as pretty rude according to the guide of the perfect job interview, can help me to convince anyone to enroll me ?

Let me tell you, you are asking the wrong question. You don't need to convince the guy you have in front of you. You need to make him fear.

And that's exactly what my little "hand in the pocket" technique will do.

Imagine you have a fellow in your office chatting with you for 30 minutes now and who kept one of his hands in his pocket since the beginning of the interview. You would start to think about it, wouldn't you ? Why is he doing this, knowing that it would compromize all his chances to get the job ? What on earth does he have in this damn pocket he couldn't let his hand off just for one minute ? Is he crippled ? Has a six-fingers hand ? Does he tapes the conversation ? Is he hidding a lethal weapon ?

You will start to lose the place. You will start to panic, won't you ? You will lose your focus and get busted from the leading of the interview. You will be sorry about this, having the feeling you are not paying this candidate enough attention, not letting him a chance to stick up for himself.

But in the same time, you will be afraid by this pocket mystery. What if you don't give him the job he applies for ?

You start to see the point ? Yes, that exactly what's going to happen in your recruiter's mind. And that's why you will get the job in the end. Because he can't afford not to give it to you.