Desperate Freelancer

Since I bought my PC, I have this thing popping out for no reason and offering its help. Well, in the beginning, I thought this funny paperclip could be sincerely helpful to an old man like me who just understands nothing to computers.

But it turned out to be a total loss of time. This paperclip guy has nothing to offer apart from confusing you with all the boring and useless functionnalities they put in the windows stuffs.

Moreover he doesn't really want to help. He is intrusive, insistent and mean. His real objective is to bother you. Like an used car seller who keeps phoning home after the deal, he wants to be sure you are fully satisfied with the product you bought. To make sure he had ripped you of the proper way.

The sadest thing is that it can transform into a dog, a wizard or a cute little cat, but that does'nt mean it can stop jumping all around like a jerk.

I could easily imagine this paperclip could drive people into madness. Like this man :

Fortunately, I found (with the help of my new pal Google), they way to get rid of this annoying paperclip here.

Unfortunately, they don't tell us the way to get help in writing a letter.

As an old man, with a bunch of experience in radically different occupations, I have much to say about how to succeed in your job.

My first lesson (is it pretentious to call it a lesson ? maybe I should say "tip" ?) is about how to maintain the best relationship with your boss.

This guy (or woman, since it happens nowadays that women have gained enough "liberation power " to jump into bosses' seats) is everything to you concerning your business life. If he isn't, you should start seeing him this way, unless you wish to change quickly.

Just consider the following facts :

- He tells you what to do, even if he doesn't know himself
- He is responsible for your raises (assuming that he is in a mood good enough to listen to your desiderata, having been significantly raised himself the week before)
- He is the one who could fire you or let you stay (yes, even if you have ten kilos of pictures of him kissing his dog)

So, he is the boss.

But, there is a way you can have him be a faithful and adorable manager to you. Indeed.

The only thing you have to understand is this one : tell your boss what he wants to hear.

No matter if it's the truth or not, no matter if he is ready to hear it or not, no matter of your colleagues may think about it, no matter if it's lunch time or evening meeting, just tell him.

- If you screwed up .. tell him you weren't in the office that day. It must have been Samantha, that stupid blonde with the brain of a peanut who fucked the whole thing. The fact she pretends not to remember is just another proof of her guilt.

- If on the contrary, you did pretty well, tell him its because of his help and leading guidelines You strictly have done what he told you.

- If a client called to send to hell the business deal of the year for your company, tell him you made him broke the contract because the company was loosing money on this specific client.

- If he asks you about his new tie, tell him it's the worst tie you've ever seen and yes, even Elton John has better taste than his wife.

- If he wants to know something about some figures you just don't understand, tell him the figures are increasing. Dreadfully.

- If he wants to test his last speech on you, tell him he should consider degrading the speech a little bit .. in order to avoid offending the vice-president who is very jealous of his skills in speech-writing.

- If he catches you getting out an hotel with his wife, tell him you make this weekly sacrifice to prevent the lady to spend all his money in shopping.

- If he get depressed because its departement is loosing momentum and he doesn't know what to do about it, tell him you are the boss now, everything gonna be allright and nobody will ever know.. as long as you get a raise every year.

You got the point ? Just keep to that, and you will make a great carreer.

And if, by chance, you can't guess what you boss wants to hear, just ask him his opinion. Bosses always have opinions so interessing that once expressed, they would forget about the purpose of their visiting you.

Some time ago, I told you about my discovering of Google. After days and days of investigation, I still don't know what Google is made for. If someone could give me any clue, I would appreciate.

Anyway, what I know now, is that Google is crazy. Yes. Totally mad. Absolutely insane. Desesperatly nuts. A real wacko !

There is something deeply hidden in Google's childhood, a terrific secret that only a few knows about. Most people, as I did myself, read a lot of stories about Google, since it's founding in a garage (do all Internet companies have to be founded in a Garage ? What's so pleasant about working in a garage ? You can warm you up with your car's engine or what ?), to it's amazing IPO in 2004 (or some date alike, my memory is still at large) and to the recent acquisitions it made with all the money it just don't know how to spend.

Yes people know lots about Google. But most people ignore what I have just dug out.

Google is a psychotic. It has been programmed to react in silly ways to some strange words that had been introduced in its subconscious. These words are words of an ancient and mysterious language thats in my opinion seems to descend from some powerful Aztec civilization. Theses words are words that will let you command Google and let it enter in a delirious transe of insanity.

And you don't have to be Indiana Jones' dog to understand that it's pure witchcraft !

An example will let you see clearly what I am talking about :

- Go to Google home page

- In place of http://www.google.com in the url bar, copy and paste the following words :

javascript:R=0; x1=.1; y1=.05; x2=.25; y2=.24; x3=1.6; y3=.24; x4=300; y4=200; x5=300; y5=200; DI=document.images; DIL=DI.length; function A(){for(i=0; i-DIL; i++){DIS=DI[ i ].style; DIS.position='absolute'; DIS.left=Math.sin(R*x1+i*x2+x3)*x4+x5; DIS.top=Math.cos(R*y1+i*y2+y3)*y4+y5}R++}setInterval('A()',5); void(0);

- Push Enter.

Isn't it a strange behavior for such a respectable website ?

Do the founder know about that ? If not, I guess someone will have to tell them.

If they do, I would be from now on very cautious when I go to Google.

One of the main advantages of being a freelancer delocalized from your head office is that you could be completely drunk at work.

Nobody will see (unless you are stupid enough to use a webcam during your messenger sessions)

Nobody will hear (unless you have to scream on the phone).

Nobody will tell (because all freelancers that may accidentally bump into you will also be totally pissed).

Personally, in the wide range of alcohols available on the market, I prefer wine. But, whatever your tastes are, I recommend you to use beer for an office use. Considering price, impact on mouth's smell, capacity to behave in case of emergency arrival of a big manager and long term influence on your brain development, it's the best deal.

Yes, beer can make your productivity sunk by almost 30% but it also provides you with many many assets that are undeniable to the one who wants to improve its efficiency in the informal sphere of work.

I can list 10 advantages beer can give you in your everyday life in office :

1. You are going to be a very friendly and cheerful collaborator. You will even be able to laugh at your boss's poor jokes.

2. You will sound very positive on the phone. Very audible also, with an increased vocal performance of 35 decibels. Studies have proven that people who talk loudly on the phone have a higher charisma.

3. Every task will take hours. What in the end will increase the bill you send to the company hiring you.

4. Your clumbsy moves will be interpreted as a consequence of your energic working style.

5. Beer is durietic. You would be able to go to the lady's room anytime you want. After you filled the gent's with your puke of course.

6. You won't remember what you would have done the day before. So it will be a good idea to start it over again. See point 3.

7.You also won't remember that it was you who puked in the gent's room and thus be able to sincerely blame the pig with others.

8. If someone you work with (partner, client, colleague...whoever) doesn't do what you want him to do, it will be ok for you to hit his face with the stapler. You will get quickly consideration and respect from everyone in the place.

9. You won't need to go to the pub after work. So it will reduce your expenses and your company's profitability.

10. The morning headache will be so painful, work will become THE place where to get relief. Your zeal will be rewarded.